In this proposal the intended audience for Project IV is: Local Volunteers and homeowners
Why should your audience care about the topic and your proposal? They should care because the beauty of their homes will be dimished if they turn a collective blind eye to Urban Stream Syndrome
One thing I think I did well in my proposal is: Finding valid resources.
One thing I am not so sure about in my proposal is: Flow of writing, length and style
Neglect of local Creek Systems is a world-wide problem and a principal cause of environmental decay. For generations we have changed local ecosystems to suit our own individual and collective needs. And now it’s finally starting to make a significant impact in how we see the world and how the world treats us. The problem of creek neglect is one that has to be solved locally. For it takes a reteaching, a showing if you will to those that are unaware that the way they are acting towards the sensitive areas around them is not the correct one.
The solution to this is a volunteer group who has oversight from professional s in hydrology. It has been predicted that streams impacted by Urban Stream Syndrome have a substantially more erosion and less biodiversity than those that do not. Furthermore it has been shown that this cause of stream decay is second only to the agriculture industry.
Calling on this, I say that a community action group ought to be put together to protect this creek properly. For if we cast a blind eye, if we ignore this, the world as we know it will not be. No longer will kids be able to hunt for crayfish in the streambeds for the crayfish cannot live there. No longer can one sit and listen to the gentle flow of water because it would be a torrent of water cutting through the streambed the bedrock.
The naysayers will say “Community action never works” and “We need a government initiative to get serious about this” I disagree, and I call to your attention the irrevocable success of the “Appalachian Trail Conservancy” an entirely non-profit community led initiative to maintain the natural environment. One that has for generations kept the Appalachian trail, that is some 2100 miles long just as majestic as the day it was dreamed of.
As such I find this Kentucky Creek Preservation Collection absolutely necessary, not only to protect the life that has existed since time immemorial but also to protect the cultural legacy and gift of streams to our children, and our children’s children.
Peer Review Answer all these questions about your partner’s paper. Be sure to read the writer’s statement so you have a sense of where they are coming from with their proposal.
ReplyDelete1. Read through the proposal. Is the intended audience (as stated in the writer’s statement) evident? How do you know? Also, does the writer use “I think,” “I believe, “I plan..,” or any other redundant phrases. If so, let them know that these need to be changed and/or deleted.
The intended audience of volunteers and homeowners are not specifically evident but the audience of the community as a whole is evident as they should see themselves responsible to help combat this problem of urban stream syndrome. To appeal to your audience maybe try to appeal to the homeowners as part of the value of their home/property and to the volunteers as to even small successes are better than doing nothing.
2. Is there a concise discussion of the subject/topic being proposed? What is the topic and where in the proposal is it first mentioned? It should be in the first two paragraphs.
The topic is clear in the first paragraph and it is the problem of creek neglect as the cause of environmental decay. The discussion is concise throughout the proposal.
3. Is there a concise discussion of the intended focus, aka, thesis statement? This is where you can say “In this paper/project I…” What is the intended focus statement, and where does it fall in the proposal (what paragraph?) If there is no intended focus statement be sure to let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible focus.
There is and it begins in the third paragraph and it is calling for a community action group to be put together to help combat the problem. Clearly explains the importance that fixing this problem is to the community and future generations.
4. What is the rationale for choosing the subject/topic? Who cares, or should care? Why? This should be outlined in the proposal. If not, let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible rationale.
The rationale for this is that problems and future problems if this is not fixed. It is made clear that we as responsible members of the community should care about the environment and future implications of the problem if not fixed. Does not give specific group within the community but as a whole.
5. Answer this question:
The writer makes me care about urban steam syndrome and environmental decay, by stating "For if we cast a blind eye, if we ignore this, the world as we know it will not be. No longer will kids be able to hunt for crayfish in the stream beds for the crayfish cannot live there. No longer can one sit and listen to the gentle flow of water because it would be a torrent of water cutting through the stream bed the bedrock.".
By filling in these blanks, does this answer the question “So what?” Using specific information from the proposal itself, how does it answer it? If it is not clear, let them know.
"So what?" is answered when he explains the fallout of this problem if it is not fixed, as i answered above with the quote. Going on the address the naysayers he provides examples of how community action groups have succeeded in the past, in very large scale projects. To me the "so what?" is what damage will happen if this is not fixed.
Peer Review Answer all these questions about your partner’s paper. Be sure to read the writer’s statement so you have a sense of where they are coming from with their proposal.
ReplyDelete1. Read through the proposal. Is the intended audience (as stated in the writer’s statement) evident? How do you know? Also, does the writer use “I think,” “I believe, “I plan..,” or any other redundant phrases. If so, let them know that these need to be changed and/or deleted.
It reads less like something written to community organizers and more like something written inside a journal someplace to remind themselves of what one would like to do. I see this because most of the proposal is a statement of “This is what I would like to do” as opposed to “This is what I am going to do.” A Improper use of there in the final section.
2. Is there a concise discussion of the subject/topic being proposed? What is the topic and where in the proposal is it first mentioned? It should be in the first two paragraphs.
The discussion for the subject of Volunteers and their retension rates is mentioned quite often and throughout the reading. It is first mentioned in the opening paragraph.
3. Is there a concise discussion of the intended focus, aka, thesis statement? This is where you can say “In this paper/project I…” What is the intended focus statement, and where does it fall in the proposal (what paragraph?) If there is no intended focus statement be sure to let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible focus.
From what I could gather the thesis statement wasn’t really there. It had lots of discussion about the topic but little in terms of action brought about by an interest in the topic. I’m still left wondering how you intend to increase retension rates for volunteers?
4. What is the rationale for choosing the subject/topic? Who cares, or should care? Why? This should be outlined in the proposal. If not, let them know, and also relay what you as the reader see as the possible rationale.
The rationale is that for volunteer services to work properly volunteers need to stay around for the long haul and not show up once in a blue moon because of boredom.
5. Answer this question:
The writer makes me care about volunteer rentension rates, by stating volunteering projects fail because of poor retension rates.
By filling in these blanks, does this answer the question “So what?” Using specific information from the proposal itself, how does it answer it? If it is not clear, let them know.
It answers the questions of why but it’s all in discrete terms. An example of a project that was important that was abandoned or reshaped because of retension rates of volunteers vs a project that was incredibly grand because of the endering presense of volunteers would do wonders for this.